"I won’t do it. I plan to do things which I don’t do and
then I hate myself. I disappoint myself."
Is it a generation
pattern? Where does it come from? What’s with this balance between planning and
then doing the exact opposite thing? Is procrastination a disease? Or is it
transformed into a disease in order to make you feel ashamed? To make you feel
guilty? Guilt. A big, huge word that floats around. People feel
guilty. It’s as if they are programmed to do that. Consumerists feel guilty for
consuming too much, party people feel guilty for partying too much, workaholics
feel guilty for not working too much, rich people feel guilty for having too
much money, poor people feel guilty for not being good enough. If you zoom out,
it’s a world of guilty people. We all feel very guilty for something. How did
it become such a strong pattern? What is there in society that encourages this?
When did we become such self hating self destructive robots?
Disappointing
yourself is such an art. When and how did we become such masters in this? You basically program yourself to dissapoint yourself with each
and every occasion you have.
Self hate,
guilt, the feeling that there’s nothing you can do about it. The pressure. If
you zoom out, you look and see thousands of young people, intelligent, vivid,
tonic young people, who would have the strength to re-build countries, re-think
political systems, a force in itself, just sitting there and harming
themselves, confused, scattered, unaware of their potential, preoccupied only
with self destruction, in a system perfectly built to kill any impulse of spontaneous
initiative, any autonomous thought: most
intelligent people feel ashamed, develop strong anxiety issues, tend to repress
themselves, abuse substances, bury their thoughts in alcohol, cultivate
depression, cultivate lack of hope. Others just destroy themselves with too
much hope. They work like crazy, afraid of depression, afraid of loosing it,
they bury themselves in work, and they develop issues with feeling guilty when
they don’t work
and with not knowing who they
are anymore . Others just feel they didn’t find anything to believe in and
feel they are loosers. They "stay there doing nothing",
condemned by their ex-role models, (parents bragging about them- “he just sits
there doing nothing, all day long in front of the computer”), they cultivate
self hate at the deepest level, seek alternate worlds to live in (computer games
and the oh so addictive comedy series, drama series and all kinds of series). And this continues. What
the fuck happened? Is it a master plan to
encourage self destruction through all possible means? Seems like it. The
system is perfect for that, starting with the culture of models who are always
better than you, and you learn this at a very early age when you study about the
great classics, important stuff, Shakespeare, Eminescu, the untouchable models
(so you learn you are a piece of shit compared to the big guys, bang, first “reality
check”), then goes on to the pressure of becoming a young adult (MONEY, the big
word that will provide the best anxiety source for the rest of your life), then
you learn how to escape social pressure and pressure in general by consuming alcohol
(in big quantities, huge quantities), then attach the notion of having a great
time with the notion of consuming loads of alcohol (“it was great we got
completely mashed”)- which attaches the notion of feeling good with the act of
harming yourself (and also destroying all that’s left of your free time, as
there’s not much you can do when you have such a massive hangover). And then
gives you media to feed your anxiety in the best possible ways. Gives you porn
to make you think you can be ok without any real human contact, gives you
comedy series to fill the big empty space you have when you go back home late at
night, gives you
weed to spend the rest of your money on a bag of chips (which make you feel
guilty), gives you weed to be ok with everything and enjoy life even when it
seems so fuckin un-enjoyable, gives you internet to cultivate jumping from tab to tab in small guilty
add orgies that cultivate procrastination which cultivates selfhate
and that program yourself to sucesfully fail
any task you might design for yourself.
