the big cold

i ask myself the same questions as when i was 14, does that mean i am emotionally immature or just stubborn? sometimes i feel i'm some monster i have to drag with me wherever i go and at some point i know that people would be embarrased and i would have to drag the monster home, lock it in a cage and put a sheet on it. the last month has been only about that. about how to adapt myself and this stupid thirst i have, in order to live between other people. i became very self reflective and a bit more articulate in my thoughts. weird enough, i still don't get the convention. the convention between people. what are you allowed and what are you not. and where is this line people keep talking about. i was freezing this morning in the station. london cold, waitin 40 minutes to take the bus. sometimes i wish i lived amongst animals, animals when they are cold just gather one next to eachother and keep warm; the humans stand like stupid asses in their little coats and their little caps and just freeze. i guess they deserve it.

sunday morning, quiet in the house. there's a garden with a tree, and a big kitchen. the washing machine that washes for 2 and a half hours. the toasts with salt. the fridge buzzing. i try to get myself together. where does this expression come from? and how do you loose urself in order to then try to get it back together? i still try to understand this mechanism of the brain. what does the trick. projecting something and then being happy that it happened? i still try to understand what my tools for understanding are. i ty to articulate things in order to look at them as if they are another organism. like i am somebody else and i look at this person.

london. the big cold. same old police in the corner. the girls smashed with shoes in their hands goin out of venue. somebody peeing on the dean house fence, as always. i never understood why do they pee exactly where the door is. yestareday on the streets everybody seemed crazy, in the bus and all over the place. and then, passing clouds.

what happens to humans when they get drunk is that they scream for affection. their screams are embarrasing for some reason, that is why they don't like to remember. they scream so loud and so fearful that they have to control themselves from before.that's why we have bouncers. i strongly believe we are crippled. we have to deal with this need for affection and for togetherness that makes us hate eachother if we don't provide, and love eachother if we provide, and love because we don't want to loose the feeling that somebody loves you that much. what the hell happened on the way that we got so schizo? why are you a control freak during the day and a hysteric baby during the night? or maybe it's just my stupid way of dreaming about people. about that moment of togetherness that is not possible. maybe it's just a virus a nostalgic remain from a world in which we were all animals, a stupid nostalgia that you have to bare with.