depression repression

i was wondering these days about the topic of education in ro. it seems incredible how a country can treat the young people so badly, trying to kill any curiosity and teach them that the lesson in life is compromise and submission. before my london experience i was sort of sure that it's the same everywhere, same like here i mean- if you are young, nobody will listen to you, nobody will give you credit, people will just try to fuck any kind of passion, creativity, curiosity creating a system based on power and fear and constant need to "proove" that you deserve to be in that place. in that school. university. institution. and i mean- isn't it kind of stupid like totally stupid to think like that- you as the one who is part of politics and you have to decide things- to fuck the youth of a country it means that you will have a country of emotionally crippled adults. wtf?

i was also thinking to write something about disappointment. it's one of those kind of thoughts that come to you as a very sparkling idea at some point- i should write something about disappointment. seems like the perfect thing to write about, it's so present that it cries at you to write about it. bucharest is one of the places where the word just comes out from everywhere. you experience it. you see it all around you. people are so used to it that they kind of wait for it- they expect to be disappointed and so when they are not, it's strange and it creates suspicion. and it leads in a way or another to a final disappointment. sometimes it's you the one that fucks it up, because you are just not used with things going well.

it's strange. anyways. i ate a glorious food today so i will write about it too- it's some senegal popular food with carrots, peanut butter, ginger, garlic, onion and god knows what, i'll ask the friend who made it and edit the recipe later. i never understood people who were "passionate with cooking". i always thought that at some point it's a huge waste of time. i also felt that i couldn't empathize with the idea of enjoying some "nice food". but in the last few months, this eating and the whole culture of it dimension just opened new gates. i find it a weird and fascinating process of how people create all these things just to eat them. and the rituals around it, the way eating can change your personality. like indians eat with their hands, and it's very sexy and more personal to eat just with your hands.

so... disappointment. when i came back here i was sort of warned that the depression will not happen in the first month, but only after 5-6. here we are, 5 months. she came and sometimes is still here, reachable. just sittin there, somewhere. if you need her, she'll just pop up. otherwise she'll leave you alone. she's a good girl. and the combination with the winter is makin it just perfect. and because you were disappointed last time, you will have higher expectations next time, because of all the frustrations gathered with the older disappointments. you will want revenge. you will want to show them.

it's interesting to see how your brain works in different contexts.

all these things i do

so we go to this smokey place and start talkin the beer as bubbly as always and people the same as always there's something stinky in the air and he says- ok so why do you do all these things? what? i say. what you do, he says. like all these things. theatre, writing and all these things. i think about it and say- i guess after all kinds of searches i found this as my way the best way i can express myself. my form of expression. this is what i do, this is who i am. and he thinks for a bit and says- there's something rotten about all these things with theatre and these exercises you are tellin me about. your answer doesn't satisfy me. i'm like- i suddenly feel like a freak. so i try to explain one more time- it is the best way through which i can express myself. it is my language of communication with the world. wtf. this is my tool. my job.what i do. still not satisfying. and he is- i still don't understand WHY. why do you do all these things. what do you mean to express yourself.
thou shalt not make anymore compromises i say to myself thou shalt not try to explain if people don't get it from the first instant. thou shalt not waste your time in vain. thou shalt not have patience anymore. thou shalt not NOT make the compromise to go out and meet wth whoever when actually you wanted to look at your videos and make an edit.

.

one thousand billion zillion thoughts hittin their head against eachother i ate some ciorba with peppers and i think: be grateful for the affection you receive. cut the rotten branches. here, you see, there's plenty of space for so many thoughts. here in this city. your brain can generate a huge quantity of shit if it is not challenged. take it easy, i say, take it slow. always be greatful every single morning when you get up of ur bed and walk to your brand new white desk. winter's almost over and then spring will come. hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thoughts jumping and bitin eachother's neck, i might as well leave the room and have a beer.