my self my dear

I was scared.
I was scared and I didn't want to
Face the idea that we have to
Separate. So I cut it. I cut every little inch
From your skin which had grown on my skin,
I cut every thought that made me
Nostalgic
Regretful
Sad
Mournful
Every thought that could expose me
To the pain of losing you.

It's been 10 years since I came
Not "BACK"

But since I came to Romania
10 years.

I'm talking about making a 10 years reunion
Giving it a bit of thought together with Tiina.

It's been 10 years of torment since I
Refused to think how can I
INTEGRATE you
My dear my love
Into my life again

After being separated so brutally
After being kept apart
After hearing so many times
That
"I am ROMANIAN" so I should deal
With losing you.

"You are Romanian". Is what they say.

"I am a mix", is what I say.
I don't know what I am, is what I say.

I am a Londoner, is what I say. But I don't know how
To deal with it.

I live in Bucharest, with my family, and it would be
Too much to change cities.
But "Romanian" is just a word, a projection,
Being Romanian is something that doesn't fit
With my real identity. With who I am and
I denied for so long, for such a long time,
Because I was scared, because I didn't know
How to integrate you, my dear London, my dear self,
Larger than life, my dear
Freedom of thought, my dear Vera.

I kicked you in the face with every occasion. I deliberately
Forgot about you
Postpone you
Neglect you
Betray you
Force you to do so many things you didn't want, you didn't need
You didn't understand

I tried to kill you.

But you are here. Maybe it was a test.
A test of love. After all this, you are still here,
My dear, dear self.

And I can't lose you again.