my desk. benylin chesty coughs. biologie manual pentru clasa a XIa. my cup with the little prince from belgrade. lemsip max for cold&flu. nivea. lime natural strenghts lime juice. nescafe. bubblz superbubbles.aspirin plus c. royal court wig out ticket. rabiesbabies sticker. sainsbury's british 8 peppered ham slices. the camera. a lighter. a mess.
blocked in front of this computer. trying to deal with your anger. ten ways of dealing with anger. take a walk. breathe. walk away. do some sports. run in the park. listen to music. watch tv. get some drugs. get drunk. go dance.
nurofen drajeuri.
2 months.
the first place i ever went to when i got here was embankment. i remembered walking there with you.
i don't understand shit about love anymore. i don't get it. it's a mess. it's a huge mess. feeling down and alone and constantly thinking that you are there somewhere and feeling better at the thought that i know you love me so this is supposed to make me happy and protect me. when in fact all i feel is that i constantly miss you and that i always have to fight with everything to make it work, and i get pissed when anybody else tries to mess with my feelings, acting like a hysterical freak if i feel like "the danger" of caring about somebody else like they are in fact enemies or they will turn up to be at some point all i cannot face is the anger of not having you here with me, the anger when i read your answer to my mail, the anger that i was so happy with you that i could do anything, the anger that once i've found that person that makes me fuckin dance when i walk down a street, that person that is so perfectly fit for me and i love, i have to understand and deal with the fact that we cannot be together. a mess. this is a mess. i've been trying to play brave but i am not brave i am a mess, i am emotionally fryed. i don't know what people are supposed to do when they break up like this. keep the good memories? promise promises like you did? is that what makes the breaking up easier? cry? play a song? watch a movie? break a glass? write a play? write something beautiful and tragic that makes you forget the first feeling of pain by replacing it with the joy of gaining a good piece of literature like all writers do?smth like- " useful experiences that enrich your life and talent"? another intense experience? is that it? put the blame on the other? take the blame on you, like you did, though you are not right and it is NOT entirely your fault? take a shower? laugh at yourself for beeing such a drama queen? make a photoshop colage with pictures of you and me and hearts and sunny skies?
london experience blog- dealing with loss. insomnia. dealing with your own need for love. dealing with going to clubs and kissing with guys and girls and playing cool just until the bouncers get us out, walking in cold and sleeping the next day off, the familiar shit you do so well. the party. the hangover. the cleaning up. the library. the conspects. the plans. the mistakes. the little laziness-es. the recovery. the same shit as always. pretending it never happened to me that i was so happy with you. oh i'm such a strong independent party girl. live the moment. erase your feelings. fuck all that. i feel i'm transforming into a cyborg. when i'll be back in ro i'll have the face and sould of the perfect fit for the 2010 robot. right? the training. the change. the perfection. come back a winner and do something for your country. there's something not workin in this paradigm. everybody wants you to be the winner. you also want to win - at least over your emotions for starters. but what if you choose honesty for example instead of all this constant training for winning that the world imposes upon you? what if you make that switch and get to be a weak honest lonely confused looser? is honesty more precious than this constant striving to win?
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2 comentarii:
>:< - THIS IS A BIG HUG FOR VERA. stii...post-ul asta m-a pus p ganduri k mi-am regasit in el starea si intrebarile dintr-un an (cel curent) si vreo 2 luni si c pot sa-ti zic e k eu chiar am incercat sa-mi asum d mai multe ori the "weak lonley confused looser" - statute si am ajuns la concluzia k for some reason people don't want you when you loose si d fapt cel mai horror e knd you don't want yourself anymore (la mine asa s-a intamplat/s intampla)...dar tot eu cunosc la perfectie c inseamna sa fake yourself, just beacuse everbody around you are fuckin winners, vreau sa fiu strong....tre sa fiu sigura p mine...vreau sa fiu relaxata...vreau k lumea sa vada o eu misto si relaxata...toate constrangerile astea futute p kre pana la urma ni le punem singuri.. Am ascultat o vreme Crucify d la tori amos obsesiv, dar m-am prins mult mai tarziu, knd am vazut videoclipul intr-o seara, ft sparta, k asta fac si eu mereu cu mine... Singurul om kre a reusit kt d kt sa scoata din filmele astea a fost Eugene kre ne-a zis la workshop k tot c putem face bun cu viata noastra e sa incercam in raport cu oamenii din jurul nostru sa scapam d "eul nostru speriat" si sa vorbim din partea noastra nemuritoare cu partea nemuritoare a celui din fata noastra... Concluzie...nu stiu nimic...nu stiu dak exista solutii...nu cred in cei '10 pasi spre fericire'...cred doar k dak stai si t asculti stii xact c vrei sa fii azi..si dak simti k azi vrei sa fii 'the honest weak confused and lonley looser' atunci this is da best for you... dak simti k totusi esti mult prea misto pt asta si nu ai d gand sa put up with that..atunci da'cyborg- type' winner, erase your feelings - party your life, e...the way to be, your way! Asta e...e doar c cred...k exista totusi un pic d libertate, p kre nu ti-o ia nimeni, sa fii cum simti, sa fii sincer si misto, sincer si d kkt, sa t minti dak asta ai nevoie azi...sa iei decizii...well s poate sa fi batut campii mult...imi asum ("eul meu speriat" mi-ar spune 'esti penala, t bagi si tu in seama, shut the fuck up' dar de...) so verutza dragutza...I pup you si sper sa gasesti multa fericire knd t intorci...muah
not everybody around you e winner! asta e doar ce vrei sa vezi in jur pentru ca acolo vrei sa ajungi. si lumea nu vrea sa fie inconjurata de winneri ci de looseri, ca sa ne simtim bine, superiori si fericiti. and love...? pffff... that's a nice thing and it's gonna happen to all of us. sunt sigura. forever love? depinde... e mai greu. long distance relationship..? hahahaha. asta never ever. dor is not love.
trece ma vera, trece...
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