marți, 6 noiembrie 2012

true to urself

... and this is why people should trust their first instinct. on Friday, a very important and also troubled day, I wrote something on Facebook. what I wrote is this:

[ I am nominated for the Irish Embassy Award for an emerging Romanian playwright. Spend my all morning anxious thinking about a system that ”awards” you. May gain 1000 euro. My play is my story about how I get depressive and suicidal because of lack of money working as a young artist in Ro, and about my trying to make a living on the streets of London. The award is a surprise, I am not supposed to know if I or any of the other girls nominated get it. I spend my whole morning having sort of a breakdown. I keep on thinking about the content of my play. And what is a play. How do you measure which text is ”good”, how do you decide who ”wins”. I don't feel good about it, I feel exposed and trapped. It is my story. And how do you award that? If I had a good dramatic structure expressing my fears and depression, I might win 1000 euro? I feel like I'm trapped in sort of a joke. I am supposed to go to this lunch at the Irish Embassy to find out. Who are these people who decide if I wake up in tears discovering it is a too big tension for me even to participate in this, while working my ass out all year to be able to survive? This makes me think about what is a play. If it's a story about people and emotions and vulnerability, how can you even think to make it participate in a "contest" with a "surprise" at the end? Am I not allowed to have the dignity of my own emotions and not expose them in public when I find "the surprise"? If the surprise is that I don't win, I think about the words that repeat in my play: "You will never make it. You will never be able to support yourself. You are not worth it." If the surprise is that I win, I will feel "validated" and "competitive", validated by some people I don't even know. And probably will cry, which will make me feel worse. I sort of feel humiliated both ways. Being an emerging playwright in Romania might be a vulnerable condition and people who organize these sort of awards and contests should think twice about the significance of a "play" here.]
Weirdly enough, I had to give explanations to some of the people I know about this, as they said that this is stupid and I should just be grateful for being awarded. I tried to explain that I appreciate the award and the initiative of the Irish Embassy, and it means an awful lot to me. But what I wrote was also true, I just wrote what I felt so I said that I think nobody will mind if i give a feedback and suggest a change of procedure- for example, just to give a short notice a day before to the people who were nominated, or find another solution just to reduce the pressure. My great surprise was that some people around me said that I am acting like a spoiled brat. And also that I should "do something about that Fb post". I didn't know how to feel. Good old guilt was sneaking in, as always, although I also felt it's weird to feel guilty about expressing something you experienced. But the nature of our relationships makes you rather feel guilty than truthful to yourself. I was about to say- yeah, maybe I am a hypocrite and a spoiled brat, I should just feel grateful and I shouldn't have written that. Why did I make such a big fuss about it? Who am I to make such a big fuss about things?

Then I get home and read this message I get on Fb, from a person I don't know from Iran. He is the brother of a playwright I appreciate a lot, let's call him X.Y.

Hi Vera,

I am X. Y.'s brother.Yesterday morning I went to X.'s house,I was a little upset, because a famous site hadn't publish one of my photos,the night before.I arrived to X.'s house while he was reading you status on fb about your nominated play.He asked me"what's up?" I told him the story.He said to me: "let me read one of my friends status she has written lately on fb. Maybe there is a wisdom in this moment that I should share it with you!" Then he started to read your statements,I was very impressed and so that started to cry, X. was crying too.There were so many pure human sensations in your words. It's not so much time that I'm started to shoot photographs,I'm not as experienced as you and X. at the field of art.I appreciate you because of your correct and beautiful viewpoint that you had mentioned on that status and I'm respectful about the days and nights you have spent on London in that situation.At the end,I would like to ask having you as one of my friends,if you don't mind.
Z. Y.

I was in a bar when I read this. I read it two or three times and still couldn't believe it's true. And it suddenly changed my whole perspective. I am still in the process of understanding what happened in that day, but I think it is a very important moment for me and I thank these 2 people from such a distant country for a very intense and powerful understanding of what's going on around me. And I feel encouraged to keep on writing what I experience and stay truthful to my voice.