sâmbătă, 12 iulie 2014
"I won’t do it. I plan to do things which I don’t do and then I hate myself. I disappoint myself."
Is it a generation pattern? Where does it come from? What’s with this balance between planning and then doing the exact opposite thing? Is procrastination a disease? Or is it transformed into a disease in order to make you feel ashamed? To make you feel guilty? Guilt. A big, huge word that floats around. People feel guilty. It’s as if they are programmed to do that. Consumerists feel guilty for consuming too much, party people feel guilty for partying too much, workaholics feel guilty for not working too much, rich people feel guilty for having too much money, poor people feel guilty for not being good enough. If you zoom out, it’s a world of guilty people. We all feel very guilty for something. How did it become such a strong pattern? What is there in society that encourages this? When did we become such self hating self destructive robots?
Disappointing yourself is such an art. When and how did we become such masters in this? You basically program yourself to dissapoint yourself with each and every occasion you have.
Self hate, guilt, the feeling that there’s nothing you can do about it. The pressure. If you zoom out, you look and see thousands of young people, intelligent, vivid, tonic young people, who would have the strength to re-build countries, re-think political systems, a force in itself, just sitting there and harming themselves, confused, scattered, unaware of their potential, preoccupied only with self destruction, in a system perfectly built to kill any impulse of spontaneous initiative, any autonomous thought: most intelligent people feel ashamed, develop strong anxiety issues, tend to repress themselves, abuse substances, bury their thoughts in alcohol, cultivate depression, cultivate lack of hope. Others just destroy themselves with too much hope. They work like crazy, afraid of depression, afraid of loosing it, they bury themselves in work, and they develop issues with feeling guilty when they don’t work and with not knowing who they are anymore . Others just feel they didn’t find anything to believe in and feel they are loosers. They "stay there doing nothing", condemned by their ex-role models, (parents bragging about them- “he just sits there doing nothing, all day long in front of the computer”), they cultivate self hate at the deepest level, seek alternate worlds to live in (computer games and the oh so addictive comedy series, drama series and all kinds of series). And this continues. What the fuck happened? Is it a master plan to encourage self destruction through all possible means? Seems like it. The system is perfect for that, starting with the culture of models who are always better than you, and you learn this at a very early age when you study about the great classics, important stuff, Shakespeare, Eminescu, the untouchable models (so you learn you are a piece of shit compared to the big guys, bang, first “reality check”), then goes on to the pressure of becoming a young adult (MONEY, the big word that will provide the best anxiety source for the rest of your life), then you learn how to escape social pressure and pressure in general by consuming alcohol (in big quantities, huge quantities), then attach the notion of having a great time with the notion of consuming loads of alcohol (“it was great we got completely mashed”)- which attaches the notion of feeling good with the act of harming yourself (and also destroying all that’s left of your free time, as there’s not much you can do when you have such a massive hangover). And then gives you media to feed your anxiety in the best possible ways. Gives you porn to make you think you can be ok without any real human contact, gives you comedy series to fill the big empty space you have when you go back home late at night, gives you weed to spend the rest of your money on a bag of chips (which make you feel guilty), gives you weed to be ok with everything and enjoy life even when it seems so fuckin un-enjoyable, gives you internet to cultivate jumping from tab to tab in small guilty add orgies that cultivate procrastination which cultivates selfhate and that program yourself to sucesfully fail any task you might design for yourself.