duminică, 21 decembrie 2008
joi, 18 decembrie 2008
miercuri, 17 decembrie 2008
marți, 16 decembrie 2008
blocked in front of this computer. trying to deal with your anger. ten ways of dealing with anger. take a walk. breathe. walk away. do some sports. run in the park. listen to music. watch tv. get some drugs. get drunk. go dance.
the first place i ever went to when i got here was embankment. i remembered walking there with you.
i don't understand shit about love anymore. i don't get it. it's a mess. it's a huge mess. feeling down and alone and constantly thinking that you are there somewhere and feeling better at the thought that i know you love me so this is supposed to make me happy and protect me. when in fact all i feel is that i constantly miss you and that i always have to fight with everything to make it work, and i get pissed when anybody else tries to mess with my feelings, acting like a hysterical freak if i feel like "the danger" of caring about somebody else like they are in fact enemies or they will turn up to be at some point all i cannot face is the anger of not having you here with me, the anger when i read your answer to my mail, the anger that i was so happy with you that i could do anything, the anger that once i've found that person that makes me fuckin dance when i walk down a street, that person that is so perfectly fit for me and i love, i have to understand and deal with the fact that we cannot be together. a mess. this is a mess. i've been trying to play brave but i am not brave i am a mess, i am emotionally fryed. i don't know what people are supposed to do when they break up like this. keep the good memories? promise promises like you did? is that what makes the breaking up easier? cry? play a song? watch a movie? break a glass? write a play? write something beautiful and tragic that makes you forget the first feeling of pain by replacing it with the joy of gaining a good piece of literature like all writers do?smth like- " useful experiences that enrich your life and talent"? another intense experience? is that it? put the blame on the other? take the blame on you, like you did, though you are not right and it is NOT entirely your fault? take a shower? laugh at yourself for beeing such a drama queen? make a photoshop colage with pictures of you and me and hearts and sunny skies?
london experience blog- dealing with loss. insomnia. dealing with your own need for love. dealing with going to clubs and kissing with guys and girls and playing cool just until the bouncers get us out, walking in cold and sleeping the next day off, the familiar shit you do so well. the party. the hangover. the cleaning up. the library. the conspects. the plans. the mistakes. the little laziness-es. the recovery. the same shit as always. pretending it never happened to me that i was so happy with you. oh i'm such a strong independent party girl. live the moment. erase your feelings. fuck all that. i feel i'm transforming into a cyborg. when i'll be back in ro i'll have the face and sould of the perfect fit for the 2010 robot. right? the training. the change. the perfection. come back a winner and do something for your country. there's something not workin in this paradigm. everybody wants you to be the winner. you also want to win - at least over your emotions for starters. but what if you choose honesty for example instead of all this constant training for winning that the world imposes upon you? what if you make that switch and get to be a weak honest lonely confused looser? is honesty more precious than this constant striving to win?
sâmbătă, 13 decembrie 2008
OFFENSIVE OF GENEROSITY
1. You work with a community.
2. You document and archive.
3. You share (creative education workshops).
4. The artistic product is only a consequence of the first three steps (active-creative / community creation).
WE WORK TOGETHER. WE BUILD TOGETHER A NETWORK FOR EXCHANGING IDEAS, METHODS, WORKING TOOLS, RESOURCES.
WE RECOGNIZE EACHOTHER USING THIS ICON:
WE LET EACH OTHER KNOW EVERY TIME WE TAKE ACTION:
FIRST COMMUNITY ACTION TOGETHER: WE PASS THIS ON.
...meet the rabies babies.
saw them at the waterloo squat last night. finally some familiar fresh air in there. felt like home in a way. big squat room at the old buddhist centre, a few people, mulled wine and the first time ever somebody gave me here tequilla with orange and cinnamon- it is the way i usually drink it at home, but here i had to obey 2 the salt and lemon rules. and these crazy girls, the rabies babies, which i loved, with the smashing hit of the evening- i fought the floor and the floor won. then there was victor menace, "The original sound of Ninja Folk! A fusion of fast paced all-original gypsy and classical melodies, laced with occasional cock-rock moments, swing and reggae grooves, and a sprinkling of tourette's induced expletives." - as they describe themselves on their myspace page. a fire outside, dark alleys and a fence, a dog, and the same old feeling of "who gets the cigarretes"? i never asked for cigarettes to people on the street or in a club here, would never even consider doing that, but last night there was a bit of thet feeling- oh, we have no more ciggarettes? don't worry, I'll get some. hahaha.
miercuri, 10 decembrie 2008
... and my christmas present for james:
duminică, 7 decembrie 2008
Dehumanization, which marks not only those whose humanity has been stolen, but also (though in a different way) those who have stolen it, is a distortion of the vocation of becoming fully human. "
(P. Freire, Pedagogy of the oppressed)
the best part of the alienation comes when people come to the situation when they turn one against the other when really they are on the same side and they are fighting for the same things. it's another one of the small petty victories of dehumanization and despair. why not have a multitude of frustrated lonely and angry people who don't want to speak to eachother instead of a big group of people who know what they want and can rely on eachother? because the group could be a threat. many lonely persons are more likely to be dominated and fooled. so come on barbie let's go party. resident evil.
sâmbătă, 6 decembrie 2008
joi, 4 decembrie 2008
i know one thing: i am so lucky that i met some people here who just help me get through this.
vineri, 28 noiembrie 2008
last night i was telling rj and james about my first ecstasy ever- and i realized that it was when romania entered in E.U.- 2 years ago, New Years Eve, a bunch of friends, just getting out of the house, all the people on the streets happy, marching towards Piata Universitatii, the sky full of fireworks; sorin put some huge headphones on my head, and played Oxia- Domino, and I remember the exact image of us opening the fence door from lala's courtyard and going out on the street, I was like all the time holding hands tight with sorin and andrei, and then bogdan went in front of the group, and he started singing "allons enfants de la patrieeeeee/le jour de gloire est arriveeeee", and we were all following and singing, and I also remember very clear that there were like tons of people flooding the streets, all going to piata universitatii, happy, and fireworks covering all the sky. i never realized what a great memory that is. and I never made the connection btw the first x and Romania entering E.U. haha.
sâmbătă, 22 noiembrie 2008
i mean, i see stuffed squirrels in a shop window, dancing around a tiny crocodile with its mouth full open:
or a mannequin with a stuffed fox in a leash,
or fairytale dummies in fairytales settings, surrounded by bottles of wine and candies- because the fairytale sells.
and on and on, all kinds of things that you just train yourself not to see anymore. not to mention the homeless people. well there's a big no no. there is the maximum of our alienation. like your're on the streets, havin fun, walking to the club, and suddenly you see these guys lying on their cardboards, in their sleep sacks, looking at you- or just smoking a cigarette, or just sleeping, or reading a newspaper. and you have to move on, and have fun. i mean, what can you do, right? it makes you sad, but what can you do? so you just train yourself to ignore one more time. it's just what you have to work with. remember that scene in hedwig and the angry inch, when hedwig's lover finds the annoying inch of flesh between hedwig's legs? that inch of flesh left from the sex-change operation hedwig was more of less forced to do? the boyfriend says, in horror: "what's this?"- and hedwig says: "well, this is what i have to work with."
sometimes all those people are like that inch of flesh- but nobody wants to work with that.
anyway, as I said, I was thinking about all these things and then found 2 books. one of them is called "Design anarchy", by kalle lasn. the other is called "pedagogy of the oppressed", by paulo freire. i will talk more about the latter, because i seriously think that EVERYBODY should read that book. it was forbidden at some point, and people used to go to jail in brasil for reading that. because it is about humanity- about what's human in humans. and we don't want to go there, right? and about dialogue, as in true dialogue between equal human beings who respect eachother and do not want to possess eachother. and we definitely don't want to go THERE, right? and about communion as opposed to everyday's alienation. and about transforming the world as a natural consequence of thinking. and we DEFINITELY refuse to go there. right?
joi, 13 noiembrie 2008
soo many informations. soo many tastes. spend my day kissing these guys:
and found out that, if i had known the basic things that a first aid training teaches you, maybe my grandmother wouldn't have died suffocated in my arms. poor poor romanian girls's bad luck, isn't that ironic? sometimes you just don't HAVE THE INFORMATION. i was so fucking angry- no even angry, but astonished, while somebody was explaining us what you should do in case that the person is not breathing anymore... and I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THAT INFORMATION. what to do in case that person's not breathing anymore. is that so hard to make a fuckin first aid training in schools, or something like that? make the information go around? ok. so i kissed those guys and made their chests go up and down, their plastic chests.
then walked, through the london scraps. found out about congo. found out about sorrow. found out about god. found out about the public toilets. found out about saudade. found out about the transparent offices and houses. about walls of concrete. about hundreds of people passing by and looking down. about the boats on thames. about laughter. about ioana. about people. about chris james. about lager. about a concert. about about orlando harrison. seems like an ordinary day, another one.
miercuri, 12 noiembrie 2008
romania romanian europe hungary gypsy transylvania moldova russia albania bulgaria germany dracula moldavia spain greece eastern europe revolution tatarasi ukraine hungarian poland anti-gypsy device east germany manele warsaw pact company turkey rom kickass ussr italy prince eu xisco roman jesus shit czechoslovakia england sex romanians poverty name wallachia gypo tepes romance romo vlad bucuresti communism
we have jesus and shit going together in our tag cloud...
hmm, wow. look what i just copypasted from the urban dictionary :
|22 up, 10 down|
When someone bites someone else's neck, from the fact that the "original" Dracula was from Romania (NOT Transylvania).
Guy #1: "man, that girl just gave me a romanian kiss!"
Guy #2: "Ouch!"
duminică, 9 noiembrie 2008
when i come up from dean house, i see a candyland picture:
it always looks like fairytales, like in the books when the houses were made of cardboard and sweets.
not to mention the recycle bins:
there's a surreal feeling everywhere.
joi, 6 noiembrie 2008
"Hundreds of people everyday pack onto the underground, quite possibly oblivious to the realities of the law, quite possibly flagrantly contravening it, with what they are reading, wearing, listening to, or thinking. CSG were there to make sure the tube passengers don’t break any rules.
Our agents handed out information about their rights and details of how citizens could be displaying political opinions about their person, with deliberately dangerous allegiences or through an accident of ‘fashion’.
Our mission was timely, as we discovered many people who had never even heard of this wonderful government directive. Oddly, some seemed to be shocked at this, and rather worryingly started to question whether what they are reading, listening to or thinking, should be any concern of the government. We were pleased, however, to see just how many people submitted to our checks with the utmost supportiveness. Truly, the majority of the sensible British people are now so scared of the threats all around us, they know to be obedient, and to abide the law, however intrusive and apparently over the top it might be."
(excerpts from spacehijackers site )
these guys are great.
miercuri, 5 noiembrie 2008
"the same pleasure and a great smile, with no risks at all": british people are condom-people. not as in people who use condoms, but as in people who act like condoms. with the meaning mentioned above. same pleasure, no risks. no openness, but great careful attention and total exquisite manners. no humanity, but humanity with a security belt- first protect yourself from pottential harm, and then think about the others. anything might be or cause a potential harm. so you have to protect yourself from anything, and keep on smiling. nothing can stop you being completely happy and attentive as long as you have a really good and longlasting protection.
protect me from what i want- isn't that a london-based band? placebo, right:-)?
or is it a bit too much paranoia?
and no wonder sex pistols were born here in condom-land. ha. what other land could bring so much anger and rejection up?
luni, 3 noiembrie 2008
so anytime you feel physical or any kind of pain, you can watch this.
and remember... don't go for the needle, boys and girls. go for the trash. from flat 13 appC, transmission over. oh, and by the way, there was a japanese bbc soap filmed right here, at 13. actually it's not a soap, but it sounds like a tourist soft porn movie with the wrong images.
you can see rj, stella and JoJo, my flatmates, in the kitchen at some point. i wonder what the girl's doing with the old guy in the first part... and i really liked the white angelic light that was bathing the images from london and from our kitchen. it seems a dream come true. so, once again, don't go for the needle, boys and girls... go for the dream.
13 entertaiment... presents-
sâmbătă, 1 noiembrie 2008
now she is around 60 years old:
and she's plastic. basically. she has had so many operations and in-your-face three times lips and breasts, that she is organic-self-aware-plastic.
more on amanda
the club kids
vineri, 31 octombrie 2008
lipstick.group work:let's have fun on ha lo w e e n. hallo ween. the butterflyish guys and the wanna-get-wasted-and-fucked-right-here-girls. hmm... is there something wrong with this picture? ok, so we get to a queue, the bodyguards act like prison guards- u have to be a student! u have to stay in line! one goes out, one goes in! (I forgot to tell you- this was a visit at the haloween party at student's union). all the people from the queue outside have the same makeup: blood. It's a mainly blood party. blood on the chin, blood on the cheeks, blood on almost everything. that's about it. There's a girl-dinozaur really shy inside, gently smiling around as ioana takes picuters. I don't know if she also wants a picture or she's just like that. the girl-dinozaur seems nice. and lonely, in her dinozaur outfit.
when you get a drink you have to wait like 30 minutes at least and smash yourself among the other bodies. there's a nice marilyn- manson- in- misery-guy-but- with- a- nice- smile at the bar. and everybody is just glad to have somebody takin pictures of them. they are proud. we meet superman. and the strumphs. (strumphs? is that correct? the strumphs?). everybody looks around to see who sees them. they act like I'm havin so much fun- I'm fun, and I'm funny, and I'm into it, I'm soo groovy and so into it... can u see? i would so much like to see that you see ME. or ME! or ME!
u can't get drunk because the drinks are too expensive, and you can't steal drinks because all the people drink everything until the last bit. because of course it's expensive. so floating in this I would like to get wasted, in fact I'm so willing to get wasted, but I can't afford it, but I'm here at the student's union, so it's gonna be sooo much fun, everybody's kind of full of enthusiasm in faking it. to be honest, at the beginning I was looking around amazed that they are taking this haloween thing so seriously. i mean- they really worked hard on that make-up. and i'm a bit superior, like- ok, that's lame.all the blood thing and shit. after that, i think that they are just young and having fun and there's nothing wrong in that. after that I begin to think like- those people really have no problems. then i was like- ok maybe I just come from a different background. maybe my childhood was different. I would never wear that shit, not even when i was 18. but maybe that's just because I'm a bit sour? and again- maybe just because my childhood was different? and the context and all? maybe it's ok to spend all that time in doing this:
I never went to a halloweeen party before, and wouldn't have imagined that I could go to one- except that here you just wanna see everything and take it as it comes. do it like they do it on discovery channel. i never saw santa claus in a red suit and with a beard coming to my house- and in fact I'm glad I didn't. to me it was more honest and poetic- santa claus was a mystery, until i discovered that my parents were santa claus, which was a big step in my growing up. and a honest one. they never pretended to be someone they are not.
... and the party ends at 3 o'clock, and all the bloody strumphs go home. quietly. is there something wrong with this picture? or do i just come from a different background? actually, there's no good and bad, no right and wrong. it's just fake blood, that's all.
joi, 30 octombrie 2008
- I have a new teapot:
- have a new toy:
- my lava lamp is finally working
- my hair is growing:
--and I saw a bunny smoking hookah (narghilea) today: