vineri, 27 mai 2016

more on andra

right from the middle of the war zone in my head, well maybe studying andra and her depressive habits so much brings her even closer, as i had a full retrospective/reliving day yesterday and today as well, let's keep it positive, let's keep the experiment story. when she cries, she can't stop. it's the only way to channel the anxiety, the anger, the self shame, the guilt, and she has two ways of living: the strong calm positive diplomat action oriented girl, and in the back of that, a fuckin shivering river. that's what's in the back. a neurosis as big as the house of people. that's what's inside, and she knows it, so she has to invent rituals to protect herself/find small imaginary islands to escape. when she isn't able to perform her protective rituals, or when she lets the guard down, BANG. she invents herself internal imaginary islands of protection, that's why the narrator from Pacepa's book impresses her so much. when she's with adi in london, she finds an island in the relationship with b. when, years later, she has a fight with b, she tries to find another mental source of calm and protection. she is unstable and so easy to shake, which makes her furious with herself. she is furious when she looses her calm, because half of the day she works on maintaining it. she stays calm, and stays, and stays, and stays, until she breaks. and when she breaks, she is so angry with herself that she just breaks herself more. she is angry that she is so easy to shake. this drives her crazy. songs she listens to calm down- for a long time, top of the list is m's song, which he always sings to her when she desperately writes. their pattern of communication is: andra writes when she's down, i'm having a nervous breakdown, he immediately answers, encourages her, makes her feel strong again. (years later, she will discover that he's also on a depressive path, but that's another story). so m quotes/sings her this:

and, funnily enough, usually she cries even harder.

also i noticed she's afraid of adi, in the RCI attick, so she's afraid to pronounce certain words or subjects that may trigger the thing she knows will put her down. she is always put down, immediately, by adi's coldness when he refuses to communicate for days, as she later will be by b's anger when it comes to money. the reaction is like an emotional switch for her: you press the button she has no control, bang emotion, breakdown, no way to handle it. this also maes her VERY angry with herself. she promises herself she won't react like this the next time, but everytime it happens just as well. so she tries to find ways to avoid the switch.

when at the RCI, she listens to b's podcast, it feeds her, until she finds some voice of a girl that she knows is a good friend of b, she goes crazy when she hears the tune coz it seems to her there's more than just friendship etc etc etc. i can't find the tune for now.







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